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And really is it not? I now have all the time to not just enjoy my academic career, but to also explore avenues of life which were previously unavailable. Perhaps it is just growing pains, and adjusting to this new standard. I think not however, and feel that that this rationalization only adds to my self centered needs. I have so much potential to work with right now, and I have taken this advantage in life to what? To break all the rules and beliefs I had so fought hard against criticisms and temptations for so many years. I don’t consider myself a religious zealot, but I certainly do believe I have an strong desire to maintain my struggle to not just satisfy my spiritual faith but to also be an intelligent individual who can conquer the appetite that destroys so many lives. How can I help people as a teacher or as a psychologist if I can not overcome my own weaknesses?

I feel disgusting, weak and fallible. To think that I just skirted immense consequences because of something so trivial horrifies and alarms my very core. I can no longer see myself as a mature adult with answers.

I am just another kid looking for answers.