>Shame and Sin


In reading Joey’s latest and greatest post, it really hit home with where I was heading. As of late I feel particularly concerned over my travesty from happiness to ecstasy. I am going to limit details for both a too-much-information sake, but also for professional reasons. Let me state that what I have done over the past few months, and in particular, last night is not something I am proud of. In my quest to satisfy all of my mind’s curiosities from its restrained maturation from my senior high school to undergraduate years, I unlocked my straight jacket and indulged. Although what I have done would seem relatively tame for our age’s standards, I feel on an ethical and moral value that I have lowered myself to a groveling neanderthal hell bent on feelings, emotions, passion and hormones. I justified my ways by stating it was finally my time to enjoy life.

And really is it not? I now have all the time to not just enjoy my academic career, but to also explore avenues of life which were previously unavailable. Perhaps it is just growing pains, and adjusting to this new standard. I think not however, and feel that that this rationalization only adds to my self centered needs. I have so much potential to work with right now, and I have taken this advantage in life to what? To break all the rules and beliefs I had so fought hard against criticisms and temptations for so many years. I don’t consider myself a religious zealot, but I certainly do believe I have an strong desire to maintain my struggle to not just satisfy my spiritual faith but to also be an intelligent individual who can conquer the appetite that destroys so many lives. How can I help people as a teacher or as a psychologist if I can not overcome my own weaknesses?

I feel disgusting, weak and fallible. To think that I just skirted immense consequences because of something so trivial horrifies and alarms my very core. I can no longer see myself as a mature adult with answers.

I am just another kid looking for answers.

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