>to begin this post i would like to present this;

This is my new project after almost a year since my last one. The first picture was an experiment in disaster, I hate the facial proportions completely. the second one is a better rendition of the model i was looking at.

in due time, it will be complete. it was mostly sparked by a model on livefreedieyoung.com, a clothing site, and the emo scene, for the hair.

it was sort of nice, just listening to Gavin Rossdale screaming its “the little things that kill”.

Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of Bush. I miss Bush. I also didn’t know that Bush was considered grunge.

Anyways on a more serious note, I’ve come to realize that maybe it has come time to judge my friends. And by this I mean who my real friends are. Lately I’ve been having a one sided dispute with a friend I had previously considered close. And by considered, I don’t mean I sat down and thought it out. I never gave it much thought, just more in the lines of “oh yeah I like hanging with you” feelings.

Anyways, as of late, for the past two months, I’ve started to notice that said person has become sort of a non-friend. And by this I mean, this person is friends solely out of convenience. I’m not going to unfriend somebody just because we are merely out of convenience in a relationship, but I dont want to become closer if thats all it is.

Lets take my best friend. Out of no real consideration, I would consider him my best friend simply because I know that when I need it, hes there for me. It doesnt matter what the issue is, hes there to listen to me, comfort me, and be the rock in my storm.

This other person on the other hand, is a different situation. I will not delve into details about this, but I’ve noticed that this is not a friendship based on loyalty. And by loyalty, I don’t mean some stupid junior high talk of mindless devotion because we are “bros” or something idiotic like that. I mean loyalty in that the person will do their best to be friends, not just when the timing is convenient, but also when its not. What bugs me is not the extremes. If you cant come out, despite saying so, its fine. So yeah if something serious happened, no worries. But when you tell me some ridiculous excuse, something so ridiculous that I feel insulted that you would believe that I’m stupid enough to fall for that lie, than yes, I do believe I have reason to be disappointed in you.

What bugs me most is that its not just one time, but many times, where I have been served excuse after excuse about reasons failing to go out of your way, to take actions other than those that are self serving.

Although my talk with Will earlier would have me prepared for moments like this, I still didn’t see this coming. Basically the idea is that no matter what happens, due to time constraints, physical/geographical borders…etc, real friends will always be here for you, and the relationship will still be just as strong as it was since the last time you saw them. The idea is that post-secondary school shows this best, since we no longer see each other every single day. It is no longer friends out of convenience.

The problem in this case, is that even though I believe in said statement, i still didn’t see this coming. I was just basing my ideas out of feelings. Emotions are fine to have, but they can often cloud judgment. Like in this case. Don’t get me wrong I love hanging out with you. You’re an amazing person, and fun to chill with. But in the end, thats all it is, shits and giggles. Nothing more.

I don’t want to say anything out of fear of conflict. As stated before with friends on rooftop, just when do you confront? When do you speak out against your friends and offer up something they don’t want to hear.

I’d like to believe that I care enough about friendship to overcome this issue, and consider the relationship important enough to bring it out. But I just can’t right now. I don’t know what will happen when and if I do.

So now I have to sit here and ponder just who in my friends is actually a friend. I hate judging, I despise it. I believe that nobody has the right to judge another. But I also believe there are times when this must happen. This is one of those times. I really still hope that maybe I am wrong and I don’t know enough about you, and that maybe in the end, you will serve up a platter of altruism, something that is hidden within you to me.

Altruism- where is it? The world suddenly seems to be a whole lot darker and scarier.